


October 6: “I heard enough, this ends now.”

by Qophia



Series: Qoph's Fictober 2018 [6]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Crack, Ficlet, Fictober, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, blink and you'll miss the cameos from sebastian and justice!anders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 11:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16217972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qophia/pseuds/Qophia
Summary: “That’s enough, Meredith,” Elthina snapped, rounding on the templar. “I have heard enough. This ends now.”





	October 6: “I heard enough, this ends now.”

“My, my, such a terrible commotion.”

Marian Hawke turned to see the crowd parting to make an avenue for Grand Cleric Elthina to approach.

“This mage incites rebellion, your grace,” said Knight-Commander Meredith, stepping forward to meet the city’s Chantry representative's gaze as she gestured dismissively to the elf in question. “I am dealing with the matter.”

“Ahh, Orsino,” Elthina sighed, turning toward the mages’ figurehead so that Hawke could see the roll of parchment she held behind her, tapping it gently against her back. “So frustrated. Do you think this is truly wise?”

“I...” What little hope remained drained from his face, and Hawke tasted the bitterness at the back of her own throat as First Enchanter Orsino dropped his eyes, bowed his head, and bit back the defense he knew would prove nothing, obtain nothing, attain nothing. “No, your grace.”

“Really?” Elthina asked, her face a rehearsed moue of incredulity. “Because I am beginning to think it’s the first intelligent thing anyone in a position of power in Kirkwall has done for...” She ducked toward the camera. “Seven years?” she stage-whispered. “It’s seven years, right, as of the start of Act III?”

After a moment, you nodded at her awkwardly.

“Seven years!” she loudly proclaimed as she winked at you and turned back to the other characters.

“Your grace!” Meredith protested, appalled. “He should be clapped in irons, made an example—”

“That’s _enough_ , Meredith,” Elthina snapped, rounding on the templar. “I have heard _enough_. This ends now.” She flourished the parchment she’d been holding behind her back. “Do you know what this is?” She snapped her wrist, and the document dramatically unrolled as though it realized this was its time to shine.

The knight-commander squinted at the fine print. “I believe it’s titled... _Heavy-Handed Reference to Real-World Genocide That Somehow Still Wasn_ _’t Taken Seriously Because (A) We’re Meant to Believe Both Sides Are Equally Wrong and (B) the Woman Who Has the Ability and Responsibility to Fix Everything Worships Her Own Power Uber Alles_?”

“No!” Elthina thundered, whipping her wrist so the parchment rolled up like a window shade and she could beat Meredith over the head with it. “This is the evidence I was brought ages ago of your own Ser Alrik’s so-called ‘Tranquil Solution’!”

Meredith rubbed her pate and mouthed something that looked suspiciously like, “Isn’t that what I just said?”

Unconcerned, Elthina continued, with grandiose gesticulation. “For years—decades!—I have stood by and condoned the abuse of mages and the exploitation of Chantry power, waiting for someone to say something, _anything_ about how I should stop being a giant, massive, raging, useless pile of shit. But no! Nothing but overcompensating, newly straightedge Scotsmen fondling their wildly inappropriate belt buckles while they mooned over what an inspiration I am.”

(Twenty feet away, there was a clattering thud as Sebastian swooned from the sheer joy of Elthina mentioning him. Hawke hadn’t invited him or anything. He just kept... showing up to these things.)

“But if no one else is going to do my job for me,” Elthina cried, “I _suppose_ I will just have to do it myself.” She whirled, pointing to a random pair from Meredith’s escort. “Young men!”

One of the anonymously armored templars she’d gestured at tentatively raised a gauntleted hand to their chest. “Me, your grace? But I’m not a m—”

“ _WOULD YOU_ ,” Elthina continued, aggressively oblivious, “show the knight-commander back to the Gallows? Gently, if you please. Roughly, if you don’t. Honestly,” she said, swaying insouciantly, “at this point, I don’t really care.”

Two anonymous buckets turned toward each other. Their occupants shrugged, grabbed Meredith by an elbow each, and began pulling the knight-commander in the direction of her office.

“Gentle people of Kirkwall!” Elthina exclaimed, turning at last to the crowd. “This will not be solved today. It will take... I don’t know. Two days? Three, maybe? Probably a week at most. Really, now that I’ve deposed the horrific despot I allowed to abuse the mages for so long, all we need to do is stop forcing them to live in literally the worst place for them on the entire continent and let them choose somewhere to relocate where the Veil is more robust than a post-sneeze single-ply tissue.”

Hawke, dumbfounded through the grand cleric’s entire unexpected display of sudden self-awareness, finally found her voice. “Is that... it? Did we just solve the worst of Kirkwall's problems with one single person doing her actual job?” She dragged her hands down her face, resting them in front of her mouth. “What do we even do for the rest of the game?”

Justice spoke through Anders, then, bright cracks appearing across their face. “I BELIEVE...

“I BELIEVE WE DAB.”

And so they did.

**Author's Note:**

> the original concept for this was a serious reimagining of elthina actually doing her job, but as i started writing i realized there was no way to do that without going back before even the beginning of the game. so i said "fuck it" and just rolled with the ridiculous.


End file.
